Turn the page: Create a life for yourself that you’ll love
By Alice Crann Good / Photos by Getty Images & Kate Treick Photography
Stuck?
You have plenty of company if you’ve asked yourself “How did I get here?”
Many women get stuck, even frozen, in bad life situations. This is all inclusive — affecting single women, married women, single mothers, married mothers, poor women, wealthy women, women of all ages, etc., etc., etc.
It can involve innumerable life issues such as moving forward with a divorce, halting workplace sexual harassment, breaking away from a church or ending a dysfunctional friendship. Many examples exist.
Whatever area of life you are stuck in, it’s challenging to make a move, to regain your sense of self and empowerment, agree Pensacola professionals Jessica Qualls, LCSW; and Lauren Soutullo, MS/LMHC.
But it’s more than possible, they concur.
FREE THYSELF
“It’s normal for women to become disempowered, but we all have intuitive wisdom and can create a life of meaning,” said Qualls, owner of Simply Unwind, who is a licensed therapist, social worker, meditation teacher, professor and yoga instructor.
“The journey begins with an internal shift. But before you can do this, you must say, ‘I am not doing this anymore.’ It’s not my job to see that for them. It’s my job to help them see it.”
Qualls says the self-realization is: I am not free, but I am capable of freeing myself.
“The pain of staying the same has to become greater than the change,” she stressed.
Reflecting on the therapy process, Qualls states that a common thread for all of us is that our lives are influenced by our childhoods.
“As I take extensive histories of each client and they share significant times, they have light-bulb moments,” Qualls said. “It’s about understanding and how they have been influenced, not about blaming parents. There is not a benefit to having a victim mindset.”
When we are children, we all experience some level of dysfunction, and as adults we recreate the dysfunction, Qualls explains.
Anticipate challenges along the way to change, Qualls says.
“Fear is the biggest barrier to change because it weaves itself through our lives and paralyzes us, but there are powers greater than fear — love, joy, connection, service, compassion and trust. These become solutions.”
To turn the page, Qualls recommends keeping a journal, connecting with your feelings, being intentional, being in the present, not projecting tomorrow, taking one step at a time until you reach your goal.
MORE TO CONSIDER
In addition to fear, hopelessness and self-doubt, another common emotion women experience that may be more difficult to recognize is shame, says Soutullo, owner of Embodied Practice LLC, and a licensed mental health counselor.
“We often find ourselves stuck in a cycle of perfectionism driven by feelings of shame,” she said. “One striving for perfection, an impossible measure, is set up for failure. When we perpetuate the impossible societal standards upon ourselves, we inevitably fall short, leaving us navigating the painfulness of shame alone, believing we are ‘not enough.’
“It is only when we begin to share these deep, dark emotions with a safe community that shame loses its power over us, and we can begin to break free from the cycles of perfectionism. To quote Brené Brown, PhD, ‘Shame dies where stories are told.’”
Soutullo recommends one of her favorite Brown books, “The Gifts of Imperfection.” Brown is an internationally recognized author, podcaster and research professor.
Similar to shame, women also fall into the trap of people pleasing, Soutullo adds.
“This, at its core, can also be an effort to regulate the emotions of those around us,” she said. “There may be a part of us that believes, ‘If I can just make them happy enough or proud enough of me, then I can finally live my life.’ This unfortunately inaccurate belief is again an impossible standard to meet, and it takes our energy away from what we could be doing to improve our own lives.”
Don’t expect support, Soutullo forewarns.
Oftentimes, when a woman finally begins to shift her energy toward her own aspirations by setting boundaries with her physical space, time and emotions, her efforts are not readily reinforced by others — particularly “those who may have been benefiting from her overextension,” Soutullo says.
“I would love for every woman who is learning to set boundaries, perhaps for the first time in her life, to remember that just because someone reacts poorly to your boundary, does not mean you have done something wrong.”
After all that is said, apparently in many cases it isn’t a matter of weak willpower that keeps women from making the changes they desperately crave, Soutullo says.
Our bodies physically react, too.
“For those who have experienced childhood and adult traumas, domestically violent relationships, and even chronic stress, it is important to recognize how these experiences have impacted their nervous systems,” Soutullo elaborates.
“Someone with a trauma history may experience taking action to be unsafe and feel ‘frozen,’” she said. “It’s also important to recognize that for women who are currently in physically or emotionally unsafe relationships, taking action may pose an actual threat to their safety.”
Both Qualls and Soutullo agree working with mental health professionals can safely help empower women to take back control of their lives and move toward lasting and meaningful change.
Remember, said Qualls, “We are all wired to survive.”
Page-turning truth
Owner of Embodied Practice LLC and licensed mental health counselor Lauren Soutullo says women of various backgrounds often hold a collective experience during their upbringing, molding them to prioritize service of others over their own wants and needs.
“How often do we hear a woman praised for all of the sacrifices she has made to the benefit of those in her life? How often is a woman praised for unapologetically pursuing a life that doesn’t directly benefit those around her?” Soutullo asked.
At some point in their lives, women often experience a loss of identity.
“Whether she’s referred to as ‘someone’s daughter,’ ‘someone’s wife’ or ‘someone’s mother,’ a woman may slowly internalize the roles placed upon her and lose touch with her truest self.”
So, get started uncovering your true self with some Soutullo advice:
Boundaries are how you can love others and yourself at the same time.
Build self-compassion. You can never shame yourself into a version you love.
Enhance self-trust. Keep promises you make to yourself. Set boundaries to protect your happiness and peace.
Do not wish your life away. Live in the present.
Recognize your resilience. Notice what you’ve already overcome.
Build a community of other women who support you. We aren’t meant to do this all alone.
It is your birthright to listen to your intuition and create a life you love.
