We pass a test to operate a vehicle and we often study for years to prepare for our job. Yet the skills needed to succeed at the most influential aspect of our lives — our primary relationship — are typically acquired haphazardly.
“Our biggest tool in learning how to function in a romantic relationship is from our parents or primary caregivers, so we often do bring those habits into our own relationships, often unconsciously. If our role models have healthy skills, this is great. However, we often desire to have something different from what we saw growing up,” said Jessica Mayo, owner and therapist at Thrive Therapy Service in Pensacola.
Mayo defines a successful relationship as a haven where emotional safety is a given.
“A successful relationship is one where all parties feel safe to be vulnerable and authentic. It is void of contempt and full of mutual respect.”
If that’s not what’s happening at home from either party, destruction that can impact each person as well as generations to come will result. Mayo has some tips from her favorite data-driven resource, the Gottman Institute.
DEEP DIVE COMMUNICATION
Mayo emphasizes the importance of communication on deeper levels, which bonds us to our partner. Our partners deserve at least the level of effort we give our friends in order to create health.
“Healthy communication is key to any successful relationship. This involves more than just informing your partner of bills and family functions. It involves asking open-ended questions and truly listening to the responses and communicating that you heard what was said.”
This repeating back what was said is a source of being seen and heard, crucial in a society that our surgeon general said is in a loneliness epidemic.
“Treat your partner like a friend that really matters to you by being genuinely curious about them,” advised Mayo. “Something as simple as ‘How was your day?’ is a simple way to connect, but don’t let that be the end of the effort. You also want to know and be curious about how your partner thinks and feels, what their dreams and aspirations are. What their fears are. It is important to make time for your partner so there is opportunity for these conversations. Plan alone time and time to connect. Date nights are great and important but routine, daily connection is very important.”
HARD WORK = STELLAR RELATIONSHIPS
Consider a healthy work relationship. A thriving professional team supports each other, plans, follows through and works through roadblocks constructively if they want a winning result. Why do we treat our personal relationships differently if we want health for ourselves and any generations to follow?
“The best of us need improving on our skills,” noted Mayo. “Everything else we do in life we have to learn, practice and engage in continued learning if we want to be successful. Relationship skills are no different. It doesn’t come natural. There are skills involved and we do not come into the world with these skills.”
Added bonus: We benefit when our partner benefits and vice versa.
“Address conflict or disagreements in a manner that is positive and seeks to repair and build closeness. Communication that is more likely to repair is focused on what you need instead of blaming your partner.”
Mayo suggests statements like, “We need to get the house cleaned up before company arrives. I’d appreciate some help.”
Note to selves: Keep in mind that non-verbal communication plays a huge factor, so matching tone and facial expressions to words is crucial.
“Stay away from condescending tones and facial expressions. Also avoid blaming phrases such as “you never” or “you always,” Mayo recommended.
While we’re building relational muscle, take it to the Ironman level by viewing conflict or disagreement as an opportunity to learn how to be present and loving to your partner rather than as a time to attack.
NEWS FLASH:
WE ARE ALL WE CONTROL
We are ultimately the only part of a relationship we control. But that’s a lot!
“When we love ourselves well, it overflows to others, our partner included,” said Mayo. “I think when you work on yourself you are loving yourself. I don’t think self-love is a destination ... It’s the same as a marriage or important friendship — it takes work, continuous effort.”
In the book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl states that happiness for the sake of happiness is elusive. Instead, it is a by-product of pursuing a cause greater than ourselves or dedicating our life to the good of others.
One way to do that is to be attuned to our partner’s bids for connection.
“Gottman refers to bids for connection as the routine attempts throughout the day that we attempt to reach out and connect. These can be overt or covert and verbal or nonverbal. Look at these bids as opportunities for connection. When a bid is made you have a choice to turn towards, turn away or turn against your partner.”
Responding correctly involves three steps.
“Respond with your full attention, show sincere interest, and listen and respond to verbal and non-verbal bids to play, learn or chat,” Mayo explained.
An example of a bid is, “Wow, would you look how gorgeous the sky is!”
Turning away could sound and look like (not looking up), “mmmhhhmm.”
Turning against could sound and look like (rolling eyes), “You had me stop what I was doing for that?!”
Turning toward your partner would sound like, “Wow, the sunset is amazing today! I love the colors this time of year.”
That kind of shared joy, validation and acceptance is a win-win for both partners and is a building block that when repeated over and over, constructs a sweet union.
