Janice Desota had been with her boyfriend for four years when the warning bells began to ring.
People were whispering that an old female friend of his was in the picture. When Desota, 43, asked her boyfriend, William Hunter, 39, he denied he cheated on her.

“I didn’t believe him, but I forgave him and moved on,” said Desota, a Pensacola waitress who has been with Hunter for 10 years now. “When you’re sharing something with another person that you don’t share with your partner and you have constant meetings, even though there’s no physical contact, it will probably lead to something. I was wondering why they were so close.”

Sex is the relationship between your legs. Intimacy is the relationship between your heads, said Marci Shemaria, a marriage and family counselor in Pensacola.

The second one can cause as many problems as the first – if not more.
Too much intimacy outside a committed relationship can feel like your partner is cheating on you.
“When you get married, that person is supposed to be your very best friend, someone with whom you share all your feelings and your deepest, darkest secrets,” she said.

Of the 40 clients Shemaria counsels weekly, it’s common for her to have patients with emotional infidelity issues. Sometimes these friendships lead to sex, causing the spouse to leave the marriage to be with the other person.
In “Surviving Infidelity,” by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris, the authors define emotional affairs this way:
“When two people form secret, passionate connections outside of a marriage. The relationship is super-charged with emotion and sexual tension, even if there is no sex involved.”

When intimate information is shared with someone who has no vested interest in preserving your marriage, the primary relationship is threatened, the authors write. That is the most toxic element of the emotional affair.

Danger ahead:
Here are some things to be on the look out for in your own relationships:

• When you and your partner have poor communication and lack intimacy.
• When you start feeling like you have to hide your relationship from your partner.
• When you talk about things with the friend that you can’t share with your partner.
• When you begin to question the romantic nature of your friendship.How to prevent it:
• Keep lines of communication open with your partner.
• Go to a professional if you need advice from someone outside the relationship.
• Treat your partner as your best friend with benefits.

Beware of the office spouse:

The office is replacing the bar’s role as the place where men and women meet and cheat, according to “Surviving Infidelity.”
But sometimes it’s harmless.
Commonly referred as the “work wife,” a relationship with a coworker can become so tight that it feels like you have a second spouse. It’s more common as studies show that Americans are working overtime now more than ever.
“It can be harmless, innocent fun or it can lead to a sexual harassment lawsuit,” counselor Marci Shemaria said. “Because we do spend more time at work, I do think we get closer to the people at work.”
Pensacola theatre teacher Elke Van Dyke said she sees “office spouse”-type relationships in the workplace.
It seems natural to become close with a coworker when you work 10-hour days, she said. But you have a choice not to take it a step further.
If you refocus your energy on your partner, you can combat the urge. Try making dates with your spouse and think of ways to rekindle the flame.
“The opposite of emotional cheating is emotional engagement,” Van Dyke said. “We have to engage in order to not want to cheat.”

What You Said:
What’s your take on emotional cheating?

It’s so common that people don’t think it’s real. If there’s something that elicits an emotional response in a person, it’s real for them. I think it happens all the time. It’s what causes the most arguments. There’s something human about feeling, “Why didn’t you share that with me?”
— Rebecca Cohen, 31,
a research analyst in Pensacola, who is married to Josh Cohen, 33

I think there has to be physical contact for there to be cheating. Emotions are human nature. If you’re being true to your emotions, you think, “Yeah, I’m attracted to that person. Am I going to go home and sleep with that person? No”. I think there is a boundary of what’s appropriate, and I think it’s on an individual basis. Each couple sets their own boundaries.
— Elke Van Dyke, 28,
a theatre teacher in Pensacola, who is engaged to Mike Porter, 30

“I chose my partner because he is my best friend, and if he can’t tell me everything, then what’s the point? We haven’t had to establish boundaries because we know where we stand with our love for each other.”
— Beckie Sathre, 32,
Pensacola yoga instructor in a serious relationship with Michael Baillie, 34